When it comes to butt stuff, don’t get caught with your pants down during the zombie apocalypse. Essential hygiene products like toilet paper will be highly-coveted during these trying times.
Truth be told, toilet paper was never good for the environment. According to Treehugger.com, Americans use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper each year. This is equal to about 15 million trees cut down every year so that we can wipe our butts. In addition to this, the production process itself involves 473 billion gallons of water.
Luckily for you, there are other options for maintaining a spotless bum after the collapse of society. Here are some of the most creative toilet paper alternatives for the apocalypse.
Fabric from old clothes
Old clothes from the far end of your closet and old socks with holes in them can serve a purpose once again. Sometimes called “family cloth,” this toilet paper alternative can literally save your ass during the apocalypse. If you don’t have anything available, consider checking out a used clothing store like Goodwill.
Cut these items into usable strips and keep a stockpile ready. Use them dry, or you can wet them. Be sure to discard them in a sealable bin and wash the bin’s contents every 2-3 days.
Leaves are the best natural alternative to toilet paper and can be found in many areas. Using green leaves is the way to do it, as dried, brown leaves will crack and crumble. American Survival Guide recommends keeping an eye out for “leaves of three,” a sign of poison ivy, as well as other poisonous plants.
Brush up on your local plant life now so you’ll be ready to jam when the zombies come.
In Nara-era Japan, flat wooden sticks 10-15 centimeters wide called chugi were used. Chugi were used in a left-to-right motion to clean the soiled area.
Likewise, sticks found in nature, or around your neighborhood, can be used for butt hygiene. Use your favorite pocket knife to shave off splinters and rough bark before using this method.
The bidet is the most hygienic toilet paper alternative and saves water. Often thought of as luxuries reserved for the wealthy, bidets are common in southern Europe, Japan and South Korea.
In Japan, 76% of households have a combination toilet-bidet called a washlet. A washlet functions as an add-on to your toilet. These take the place of your toilet’s seat and are attached to a water and power source. Common features include seat warming, adjustable jet stream power, and drying capabilities. But you won’t always have power during a zombie apocalypse.
Non-electric bidet sprayers
Cheaper, non-electric, and spray models are widely available. You will lose the fancier features like seat warming and drying, but they will still get the job done. These attachments can be quickly affixed to the plumbing line and give you access to a hygienic stream of water.
DIY: Make your own homemade bidet
If a bidet is too fancy for your ass, Survivor Jane had good results using a modified garden sprayer. Her technique involves shortening the wand of the sprayer to get it to a usable length. Get one with an adjustable spray nozzle and you’ll be ready for any type of shit-uation.
Further reading: How to Make a Survival Bidet by Survivor Jane
Telephone directory books
Remember these relics from the past? I bet you’ve got at least one of them inside your house right now. They finally have a use during the zombie apocalypse for your anal hygiene needs. After the collapse of society, you are likely to find these in abandoned homes or public libraries.
Be sure to consider any of these top alternatives if you think you could be caught short on toilet paper during the zombie apocalypse. Once you have all the butt stuff down, take a look at our zombie survival guide.
Cover photo by Allef Vinicius.