Creative Toilet Paper Alternatives

By | Lifestyle

Creative Toilet Paper Alternatives

When it comes to butt stuff, don’t get caught with your pants down during the zombie apocalypse. Essential hygiene products like toilet paper will be highly-coveted during these trying times.

Truth be told, toilet paper was never good for the environment. According to Treehugger.com, Americans use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper each year. This is equal to about 15 million trees cut down every year so that we can wipe our butts. In addition to this, the production process itself involves 473 billion gallons of water.

Luckily for you, there are other options for maintaining a spotless bum after the collapse of society. Here are some of the most creative toilet paper alternatives for the apocalypse.

Fabric from old clothes

Image by JamesDeMers

Old clothes from the far end of your closet and old socks with holes in them can serve a purpose once again. Sometimes called “family cloth,” this toilet paper alternative can literally save your ass during the apocalypse. If you don’t have anything available, consider checking out a used clothing store like Goodwill.

Cut these items into usable strips and keep a stockpile ready. Use them dry, or you can wet them. Be sure to discard them in a sealable bin and wash the bin’s contents every 2-3 days.

Leaves

Image by Schwoaze

Leaves are the best natural alternative to toilet paper and can be found in many areas. Using green leaves is the way to do it, as dried, brown leaves will crack and crumble. American Survival Guide recommends keeping an eye out for “leaves of three,” a sign of poison ivy, as well as other poisonous plants.

Brush up on your local plant life now so you’ll be ready to jam when the zombies come.

Sticks

Japanese chugi
Chugi by Chris 73

In Nara-era Japan, flat wooden sticks 10-15 centimeters wide called chugi were used. Chugi were used in a left-to-right motion to clean the soiled area.

Likewise, sticks found in nature, or around your neighborhood, can be used for butt hygiene. Use your favorite pocket knife to shave off splinters and rough bark before using this method.

A bidet

Image by Stefano Ferrario

The bidet is the most hygienic toilet paper alternative and saves water. Often thought of as luxuries reserved for the wealthy, bidets are common in southern Europe, Japan and South Korea.

Washlets

Washlet photo by Armin Kübelbeck, CC-BY-SAWikimedia Commons

In Japan, 76% of households have a combination toilet-bidet called a washlet. A washlet functions as an add-on to your toilet. These take the place of your toilet’s seat and are attached to a water and power source. Common features include seat warming, adjustable jet stream power, and drying capabilities. But you won’t always have power during a zombie apocalypse.

Non-electric bidet sprayers

Aqua Nexis Bidet Sprayer (Left), Boss Bidet Sprayer (Right)

Cheaper, non-electric, and spray models are widely available. You will lose the fancier features like seat warming and drying, but they will still get the job done. These attachments can be quickly affixed to the plumbing line and give you access to a hygienic stream of water.

DIY: Make your own homemade bidet

Image by ariesa66

If a bidet is too fancy for your ass, Survivor Jane had good results using a modified garden sprayer. Her technique involves shortening the wand of the sprayer to get it to a usable length. Get one with an adjustable spray nozzle and you’ll be ready for any type of shit-uation.

Further reading: How to Make a Survival Bidet by Survivor Jane

Telephone directory books

Photo by Tomasz Sienicki

Remember these relics from the past? I bet you’ve got at least one of them inside your house right now. They finally have a use during the zombie apocalypse for your anal hygiene needs. After the collapse of society, you are likely to find these in abandoned homes or public libraries.

Be sure to consider any of these top alternatives if you think you could be caught short on toilet paper during the zombie apocalypse. Once you have all the butt stuff down, take a look at our zombie survival guide.

Cover photo by Allef Vinicius.

18 Responses to " Creative Toilet Paper Alternatives "

  1. We have a bidet that we’ve had for a few years and love it! While we still use toilet paper, we are able to get away with using a little less (at least in our grown-ups bathroom). These are definitely some creative ideas!

  2. Stephen says:

    The fact that people started going crazy over toilet paper was very strange, I imagine this will come in very handy for places currently seeing stocks going low

  3. Nilakshi says:

    You’re very creative with your blog topics.

  4. Lily says:

    Some of these options are unbelievable a super soaker?! Nope but a bidet yes I am highly interested in that.

  5. Lyanna Soria says:

    That is quite an interesting post. I’ve used both toilet paper and bidets before but here in our country we usually wash it off, we have an item called tabo/kabo which is a small container holding the water.

  6. Anna says:

    I´d love to have one of these Japanese combinations of toilet-bidet called a washlet. Huge use of paper is no good for the environment indeed!

  7. blair villanueva says:

    We use a bidet at home! And now we are saving money for the TOTO toilet seat (the high tech Japan-made seat) coz the kids love it. Paper still a waste.

  8. I love this! <3 these are all great alternatives! as for me, bidet is the best! haha.

  9. Marysa says:

    These are certainly creative ideas. I imagine a lot of people are buying bidets.. not so much the sticks though!

  10. katrina Kroeplin says:

    i’m with you on some of those, well not the stick lol. i have wanted a bidet for a long time. that would be amazing.

  11. Interesting article. I have been in hotels with a bidet but I haven’t ever tried to use them. Maybe we will have to get one! LOL Thanks for sharing!

  12. i have heard that bidets are making a comeback in the american market because of the coronavirus outbreak. the leaves sound a bit scratchy but i’m glad you shared these alternatives because most of them give me a good laugh.

  13. Elicit Folio says:

    Great creative list of ideas! Especially your point about using a bidet. I wish we had more of these in the US. I only see these in Europe!

  14. Wow! Interesting article. This is one of the best way to save environment. Thanks for sharing!

  15. I learned a lot about cleaning the soiled area. Some of them I never heard before. I mostly use the bidet or normal toilet paper

  16. Rosey says:

    My daughter has a bidet. I’m not sure if she has a seat temp on hers though, lol.

  17. I’m all for the telephone directory books but I will never use leaves because they can damaged.
    I mean they have clorofila so you can get an infection down there. Oh my God I love this post is so funny but yeah we need to get a bidet or at least do one.

  18. Ivana M. says:

    What an interesting article. We use a bamboo toilet paper, hopefully it is less taxing to the environment as bamboo grows so fast.

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